Navigating Those Tricky, But Important, Kid Conversations

Elementary teachers wear many hats. I start the day as mama, checking in with each student and ensuring they eat breakfast. I quickly switch to academic teacher as we launch into our first lesson of the day. Then, suddenly, I’m nurse, consoling a child with a fresh paper cut or stubbed toe. After recess, poof, I’m a school guidance counselor, helping students navigate lingering drama and situations that upset them on the playground.

Another very important hat we wear: the real-talk hat. Sometimes, our students say or do things without realizing the full impact of their words and actions. Or they bring current events into school looking for a place to process and learn more. Navigating these difficult yet extremely important conversations with students can feel scary. As adults, there are conversations we may avoid having with our family and friends because they just feel flat out uncomfortable. Many people do not want to draw attention to the injustices we see and hear around us, especially if that injustice is happening within our close circles. But as a teacher, I feel strongly that I must step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself to facilitate these difficult conversations amongst my students.

Here are my top 3 things to keep in mind when engaging in challenging conversations with young kiddos:
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1. A dose of sensitivity and concise language goes a long way.
When I was a new teacher, I used to feel the need to shelter my students from the world around them. I was nervous about saying too much, or saying the wrong thing. With concise language and a calm, caring demeanor, adults actually have an incredible power to communicate information to young children in a sensitive manner. Our kids can not only handle it, but they appreciate and recognize when we don’t beat around the bush and just talk to them! Here’s an example.

My student Sam suddenly came up to me and said that his classmate Dave had called him gay. It became clear that while Sam and Dave were sitting next to each other during the assembly, Sam reached over to hug Dave. Dave didn’t like this and responded by pushing Sam away and saying, “Stop, that’s so gay!”

I called the two students over for some real talk. I explained that if someone is doing something that bothers you, it’s important to use language that clearly explains your needs in that moment. If Dave didn’t want a hug, he can say, “I don’t like hugs,” or “I need some personal space right now.” When someone is bothering us and we feel annoyed, we sometimes have the desire to call that person a name or say something mean in order to express that they are bothering us. But if you call someone a name as a way to get him to stop bothering you, it can be unintentionally hurtful and does not accurately communicate your feelings or needs.

We then talked about how identity words that pertain to sexual orientation, religion, ethnicity, race, gender, physical features, and more, make up who we are and make us each unique and special. If we use them as a putdown, it may make others feel badly about a part of themselves.

We went back to the root of the problem. “Dave, Sam was doing something that was making you feel annoyed. Next time, how can you communicate to Sam that you are feeling annoyed? Calling him a name will not let Sam know that you are bothered by his behavior. It actually may hurt someone’s feelings.”

“I could ask Sam to give me some personal space,” Dave realized. The two students went on to apologize to one another and return to their seats in the auditorium.

2. When unsure, stick to the facts and ask open-ended questions.

Let’s face it, a lot happens in our world- ALL THE TIME! Between social media, Google, and other news sources, our students are exposed to a lot of information. They may bring thoughts and questions to school about current events happening in the community, country, and world. Let them talk about it- if they are bringing it into school, then they clearly need to process and think about it with a trusted adult. In times when you are feeling unsure of what to say, stick to the facts of the issue and ask some open ended questions. You can say things like, “Yes, that did happen. The news said _____. We can read another article together to learn more. How did this event make you feel? What questions do you still have?”

3. Come back with more information later- but stick to your promise!

If you feel that you don’t have quite enough information to thoughtfully engage with your students in the moment, don’t feel badly if you need to pause the conversation and come back with more information later! Adults need time to process, too. You can thank your students for beginning this very important conversation, and tell them you will make more space to talk about it again very soon. Just make sure you hold yourself accountable and stick to your promise so that your students know you really do value the information they have shared, AND so they continue to feel safe coming to you with the issues they find important.

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Of course, there is a delicacy to having these difficult conversations with elementary students, and more complexities to explore with older students. Kids are people, and shouldn’t be denied the opportunity to have a deeper understanding of what’s going on around them. It’s part of our many hats to find appropriate ways to facilitate productive conversations with them.

If we want to foster a more loving, understanding, and empathetic world of courageous and aware young leaders, then we must capitalize on these moments to engage in difficult conversations.

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Please note: To protect the privacy of my students, their names have been changed in this post.